MLS Week 21 Power Rankings: Tiers of Clowns

Dang me, but those troubling philosophical questions won’t stop coming. Why do I continue ranking these teams by number knowing that, in my head, Major League Soccer’s (MLS) 13 teams actually cluster into “quality tiers” - i.e. groups of one, two, even four teams? The reality is the teams don’t line up in neat little numbers; whether that’s down to parity, fatigue, or mischievous gods playing tricks on, say, Jon Conway, I just can’t say. How to account for the sudden decline into impotent madness for some teams and the discovery of untapped ability in others? Is this just a manic-depressive league?

I’ll outline a clearer, more accurate breakdown of the league after I continue with the charade of specific power rankings. My mania for collective rankings must be fed…

As always, each team’s ranking from the previous week appears in parentheses after the current week’s. And, if you hit the links, you might get the impression I view the schedule as the ultimate source of wisdom…that’s not far wrong.

1. (1) DC United
This one is pretty simple: two wins with a 4-1 margin on goals in favor. No, I didn’t see the game against TFC where I read DC was average. In every game in which I’ve recently watched DC, however, they’ve looked better than the rest.

2. (3) FC Dallas
It’s wise to lay low sometimes…not that FCD chose to do so. I’m giving ‘em bonus points for signing Denilson; I’m not sure the Brazilian will pan out for them, but the move shows ambition at least.

3. (2) New England Revolution
A win is a win. They looked like crap - and have for a while, so far as I’m concerned - but they’re very much in the hunt.
4. (5) Chivas USA
Consider this reward for both consistent play and breaking into the conference seed part of the playoff picture (though I can’t say why Dallas, who dropped out, remains in the top four, while Houston, who did not, gets bumped outside…see below). A slew of home games ahead suggests they’ll hang right around here, or just below, for the rest of the season.

5. (4) Houston Dynamo
Something about this team fails to convince. Doubting starts with the lack of scoring, but the overall impression is this isn’t the team we saw last year…or even as recently as July.

6. (7) Chicago Fire
The first of my picks that defy the standings. Here’s my marker: the Fire beats New York on the road this weekend. Mmm…the Blanco Kool-Aid tastes as delicious today as it did last week.

7. (10) Colorado Rapids
Due reward for breaking into the playoff frame…that is all. Now I have to watch these assholes play…learn what makes them go…

8. (6) Red Bull New York
Two games, two losses. RBNY bumbled against the Revs and got their asses handed back by DC from the 30th minute forward. They need to start running for the Promised Land…and watching their backs as they go.

9. ( Columbus Crew
Gutsy draw against the Dynamo; Marcos Gonzales owes his teammates two points. They’re stagnating…or are they a steel spring reach optimal compression? I kid, I kid. They have a shot at the playoffs, but that’s about it. Schelotto is some kind of midget-king.

10. (9) Kansas City Wizards
Of all the teams inside the playoff picture, these guys convince me the least. Something’s missing…and it seems vital.

11. (12) Toronto FC
They suck, but they fight…even one-legged (allusion to injuries).

12. (13) Real Salt Lake
They suck, but they fight…even blind (allusion to wayward state of franchise).

13. (11) Los Angeles Galaxy
Docked points for Beckham-abuse. Docked points for blowing the Big Close-Up. Docked points for what they’ve done to Frank Yallop’s employability. Docked points for hiring “Bloody Axe” Alexi Lalas as a GM as opposed to some silly ambassadorial position.

So…what you have up there is where I see these teams standing in the moment, but with a healthy sprinkle of what I see coming down the pike. Here, laid out in a different form, is how I see MLS’s 13 teams stacking up.

Tier 1: Seem to have it figured; in a good spot
DC United, Chivas USA

Tier 2: Solid, definitely playoff-bound, but showing holes
FC Dallas, New England Revolution, Houston Dynamo

Tier 3: Bubble teams, on the up
Colorado Rapids, Chicago Fire

Tier 4: Wrong-way bubble teams
Red Bull New York, Kansas City Wizards, Columbus Crew

Tier 5: Lost Causes and LA
Real Salt Lake, Toronto FC, Los Angeles Galaxy

Yes, the redundancy in that last bit was intentional.

The tiers to watch are three and four; everyone else, near as I can tell, have sorted out. But I expect those five teams will spend the rest of the ’07 regular season duking it out for three playoff spots.

And I expect LA will set perceptions of MLS back a decade or so in tomorrow’s Superliga final versus CF Pachuca.