Daily Sweeper, 12.7: Who Is This Owen Perkins*? (+ Meat Cyborgs)

(* I want to begin by noting that I’m only having fun with Owen Perkins’ work for MLSnet.com; he’s the guy who wrote their “5 Questions” piece about the Colorado Rapids. In all honesty, I just don’t get angry enough about soccer to shit all over someone’s opinion. Make fun of it? Good Lord, yes. But shit on? Not sincerely, no. In any case, the ire in this piece are directed at the Rapids’ organization and not at Mr. Perkins.)

– Who the hell is this Owen Perkins? I’ve been staring at his name trying to find the anagram for “Fernando Clavijo” that I know is lurking in there, but no luck so far. As many of you no doubt know, MLSnet.com are getting into their season reviews (and why read theirs when you can ride mine; look at the sidebar) and the “5 Big Questions” pieces heading into 2008. Having read Perkins’ piece (of poop), I can find no explanation for such a thoroughly chirpy look ahead unless Perkins is Fernando Clavijo freelancing under a pen-name. So, by way of public service, I’m re-writing Clavi…er, Perkins 5 Questions piece, but with the proper answers to replace his gibberish:

What do the Rapids need to do to reach the MLS Cup final in ’08?

Wrong question, doofus. The Rapids missed the playoffs this year. This should read, “What the hell do the Rapids need to do to reach the playoffs in ’08…and to stop insulting their supporters, who lapped Job in the suffering stakes some time in July.

What was the team’s best moment in 2007?

They had good moments? Try the final whistle to the final game of 2007.

Who made the most improvement over the course of the season?

OK, he got this one right. Colin Clark.

What reserves are most ready to move into the team?

These are the guys who won their second consecutive reserve division title? OK, make those guys the new starting eleven. Can’t hurt, right?

What area of the team needs the most improvement?

Just the soccer part. The rest is going swell.

And then I read rumors about the team mulling a trade for Pablo Mastroeni. Yeah, why the hell not? I mean, it’s not like Kyle Beckerman’s gone or anything.

In a semi-related note, this kind of thing has inspired a major shift in editorial policy…more on that later…

– Speaking of the 5 Questions pieces, the one Greg Daurio wrote on the LA Galaxy contains a passage that should send rivers of ice down the backs of their fans:

“It was a long difficult season, but the seven-game unbeaten run the Galaxy put together at the end of the year should provide some confidence heading into next season”

OK, Galaxy fans, I don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but this is what the people around Real Salt Lake and the Columbus Crew tell their fans to keep them off suicide watch. This bodes something other than well for 2008. Perhaps inspired by such troubling signs, Dan Loney had some fun at the expense of Greg Daurio’s Galaxy season review piece.

– Still on the subject of the Galaxy, Jeff Bradley floated a nifty idea in the #6 spot on his latest First XI: trade Landon Donovan to Chivas USA. I totally agree, as you can see if you check out the first entry under “What They’re Needin'” in my Chivas USA season review.

– Turning, now, to a place where I look, well, stupid, I’ve been calling the Club World Cup the “World Club Cup” in all my postings. That doesn’t even make sense. Thanks to ESPN for highlighting my error (even if they buried the result and story from this morning’s game; not me, dammit!). FIFA.com, well, you tried to reach me by blazoning the actual name of the competition, um, all over your site, but, alas, I missed it.

– Getting back to the Club World Cup (you got it, champ!), Luis Bueno used his Sports Illustrated perch to pour cold water all over my Pachuca parade; he’s saying they’ve seen better days than they’re seeing as they get ready to challenge for this tournament (and great metaphor, by the way, with the “grandfather-father-brother” progression; I’m going to pip that one).

WVHooligan wrote up a three-item Christmas list for each of Major League Soccer’s teams. It’s worth a gander.

– Also worth the look, The Offside Rules’ update on what Taylor Twellman has been up to since the MLS Cup loss. For some reason, it’s the last image that most depresses me. Anyway, very funny, very clever post.

Turning, now, away from soccer, here’s a couple random items that came to me today – all but one courtesy of b3ta.com…and I probably found the other item through them some weeks back. And, for the record, I haven’t figured out whether I’ll be going daily or weekly with the “Sweeper,” but I’ll be throwing out the random junk on Fridays regardless. OK, getting to it:

– For those I caught with the “meat cyborg” line in the title, here’s what I’m talking about…or at least part of it – specifically, the “telepathic meat gloves.”

– Some guy listed his rather elaborate, almost amazing, list of fears. Many of these are, apparently, inspired by a video game addiction. Truly a fascinating read, even if it’s longer than you could imagine.

– If you’ve never seen the site Goodie Bag TV, it’s does pretty funny stuff, if a pleasantly little dry. Here’s an episode titled “Protecting and Maintaining Your Heterosexual House of Cards.”  (Dang it.  Embedding didn’t work, so just follow the link if you’re so inclined.)


3 Responses

  1. […] Editorial Decisions: Columbus and _____? Rants about the Colorado Rapids, such as the one I just unspooled below, make me wonder if I shouldn’t adopt the Rapids as one of the clubs I follow for 2008.  In […]

  2. The article by Owen Perkins was posted on mlsnet.com…meaning it is PR crap and shouldn’t be read in the first place.

  3. True. There’s a perverse pleasure in reading these things. Also, Perkins was so jarringly discordant with observed reality that it was like reading ecstasy instead of taking it.

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