And Now For Something Completely Different: Nintendo..oh yeah.

(I take a break from CHI’s reguarly scheduled programming for my new segment ‘And Now For Something Completely Different’ Completely different being whatever I feel like writing about, once a week. That’s all)

This week’s virgin episode

‘The Ten Things In Nintendo That Make Me Want to Jump Off A Bridge’

I remember when I first got my Nintendo. It was by far one of the most impressionable days of my childhood. I instantly became a hero throughout the neighborhood, even though I looked like this.

(Yes that is in fact me, at age 8 years old, except don’t let the glasses fool you, I hit .875 that season, seriously)

The Nintendo came in all it’s glory, two controllers, and what the hell is this?

A gun??? Amazing. What you can shoot stuff??? Best. Thing. Ever

I placed in the Mario Brothers/Duck Hunt game in the console and played away. From then, my love for Nintendo grew immensely and my game total ended up surpassing about 100 games in it’s hayday. Complete with some bootleg ones I found at the local flea market in Buffalo.

Last night as I was playing my nintendo emulator on my computer while wasting a bit of time before soccer, I decided to play Marble Madness. You know, that game where you guide the marble on the screen trying to get to the finish before time runs out? I love that game, but was FLIPPING out when I couldn’t beat the ‘expert’ mode. This got me wondering, what else from Nintendo makes me want to jump in front of a fast moving car.

Well, here are my top 10 things in Nintendo that Made Me Want to Jump Off a Bridge

10. Marble Madness and that stupid f’ing level.
Yeah I couldn’t get past that damn level! And not to mention that I could get there EVERY DAMN TIME, but just couldn’t finish the job. The damn marble goes the wrong way, you have 20 seconds, WTF??? WTF??? I want to take that marble and just shove it up the game designer’s ass. He was probably like, wow, I’m just going to totally own everyone who gets to this level. I’ll show them.

9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 the entire game!!
This entire game made me want to break the entire Nintendo. It just didn’t make any sense. I watched the ‘Angry Nintendo Nerd’ and he was just going nuts about it, and I agree. You can’t do half the crap that the game wants you to do. It’s just annoying as hell. You drove around in the van and shot stuff, it was so pointless. The turtles sucked and you got to dismantle bombs underwater which was damn near impossible. I never beat this game and I think I played it a total of 2 hours.
8. That white guy on Double Dribble who couldn’t dunk
You would be able to get by all the other ‘black’ guys (yes, they were black) on the court and would go up for the slam. Cut to the black screen…do….do….do CLANG!!! WTF?? Okay, composure, get the rebound…do do do CLANG!! AHHH!!

Then you would get it back again. Do…do…do…CLANG!!! AGAIN!!! God damn it, just dunk the freaking ball!!! AHHHHHHH!!! I’m fucking 6’2 and can dunk in real life, these guys can’t??

I also could yell about how it cut to that damn split screen every time you wanted to dunk. And unfortunately that was about 100 times a game but only when you weren’t hucking up a three-ball from the other side of half court and making that sweet ‘swish’ noise.

(This is a fluke, the white guy never dunks it)

7. Climbing ‘The Wall’ on American Gladiators
I could do everything on this game. Powerball? Owned Human Cannonball? Owned. Then you would get to ‘The Wall’ and it was freaking impossible to do. The computer would just chase you down and rip you off like nothing. Or, you would be going, and then get to one of those impossible spots where you would have to move over horizontally, you would always fall over!! I have YET to finish this freaking level, and always die here. I want to take Gemini and slam him into the ground and that Ice chick too, shes just too manly looking for me.

6. Duck hunt and that stupid laughing dog
So you were on Level 32 and that duck was moving warp speed around the screen. You even did the trick and put the gun on the screen and followed the duck. You miss one, and what happens, that dog pops up and laughs. My dad always used to say to me ‘Damn, I wish I had one more bullet left for that dog’ At least when you did clay shooting, the dog went away, but he was always there, taunting you when you messed up. Was he even your dog anyway? His ass better be ready to be walking home, he’s not getting a ride. Screw you Rover, get your ass out of the car.

(This kid knows what I’m talking about)

5. The Falcon Gun in Contra
This gun just sucked so bad. In contra, if you didn’t put in the code for the 50 lives, you only had 3 to deal with. (And yes you all are currently reciting the code to yourselves, then quietly smiling to yourself since you do still remember it 20 years later) So when you freaking picked up this terrible add-on for your gun, it sucked!! It only went like 2 inches infront of you and it always would stop. It never killed anything. All you ever wanted was the spread gun, but no, you never could get it, could you. You were stuck with this piece of crap. I used to just die when I got the gun because I hated it so much. I still avoid it at all costs. What a piece of junk. It is actually worse then the normal gun you get all the time.
4. Trying to get to the Blades of Steel shootout, but not quite making it.
If Nintendo wanted to do the best thing ever, they would have just made an option for you to play the Blades of Steel shootout as it’s own game. The first time I got to the shootout, I was in awe. A shooter’s POV, great goalie saves, crowd booing, sweet fighting cut scenes, it was great. Too bad you had to tie an entire game to get there. Sometimes that was nearly impossible, especially if you were playing the computer. They would always score with .2 seconds left, and ruin the whole damn thing. The best bet was to play 2 player, then just sit there the entire game until it was over. Beating the computer in the game was so hard, not to mention playing goalie. You just moved where the red arrow was, but following that arrow was some hard shit. You were also forced to listen to ‘threads the pass’ about 259 times in the course of the game, but at least you could fight too, thats pretty sweet.

3 . Boxing Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
Okay, so you spent all day finally figuring out how to hit King Hippo in the stomach to get one guy closer to Tyson. Then you get there and holy hell, he is the hardest person ever. I mean sure, he has to be difficult, but not invincible. You couldn’t even hit him. And he would just knock you the hell out with one punch. What a crock of shit. Man, I would be content with knocking out Don Flamenco all day and not fighting his crazy ass. Too bad they didn’t have him saying classic Mike Tyson lines like ‘I’m gonna rip out his heart, I’m gonna eat his children. All praise be to Allah.’

2. Not even getting the game to work
This one is self-explanatory. What was your secret. Using Maple syrup to coat the cartridge until you put it in the machine. Blowing on the game? Wacking it against your hand? Blowing into the machine? What about spending 100 dollars on some cleaning solution garbage that never worked. That stuff was so terrible and it smelled like pure grain alcohol. I found that putting it under your shirt then blowing on it used to work okay, and then if you stood on one foot and clapped three times, put the game in and pressed reset about 1000 times, it might start working.

1. When the game would just stop working in the middle of playing!
This goes without saying. You would be just about to beat contra for the first time, without using the 50 lives code. You are at the end, and you pull on the controller and what happens, you get that flashing, blinking screen. God, how this pissed me off to no end. And it always happened at the end of the game, or just when Ricky Henderson was about to hit a game winning HR in RBI Baseball. This made me want to smash that grey box so many times against the wall. Or worse was when it would stop working then the little light would blink on and off just taunting you.

Almost making the list were

Not being able to throw the Javelin in Track and Field without a pencil pushing A and B rapidly
Excitebike overheating..all. the. time.
Ice Hockey’s goalie was useless and the net was like a soccer goal. He couldn’t stop a thing
Having your friends do ‘the move’ on you in Tecmo Bowl for an entire quarter

Feel free to add in your own rants in the comments!


4 Responses

  1. The final ghost-woman in “Phantom Fighter.” The bad guys are the least scary things in the game, because they float towards you at the speed of tectonic activity. You spend four hours taking these guys out laughably, and then the final level you fight a woman who can fly and is invisible. Nice continuity.

  2. I suck, generally, at video games. They also have this awful tendency to bully me; for instance, I returned my copy of FIFA 2004 because I could never reach the end of the friggin’ season. That is unacceptable.

    Blades of Steel was a glorious exception because 1) I didn’t care about completing a season, because 2) the fight feature was all I really ever wanted. It was so, SO satisfying watching your opponent’s little meter shrink…

    OK, and King Hippo was fun.

  3. I beat Tyson a full three days before anyone on my bus could. Sadly, one of the proudest moments in my life.

    I’d go into a “Ninja Gaiden was way too hard” rant, but I finally got around to playing the XBOX version, and it’s much, much harder.

    Getting to, and beating, Great Puma in Pro Wrestling was probably my most frustrating Nintendo moment.

    BTW, the perfect Nintendo sports game was Super Dodgeball.

  4. Super Dodgeball is by far my FAVORITE game ever for Nintendo. It was so badass and the USA team just tore shit up. I liked the guy who’s special was when the ball got really small and went up in the air.then would grown and just smack the shit out of the other team.

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